Some days, I'm sure we can all agree that we are unfaithful to the Lord. We feel like He is not answering our prayers.
I did end up talking to my mom. I shared with her my experiences with the Church and how God Himself, through the power of the Holy Spirit confirmed to me that I am doing what He wants. I shared with her each of my testimonies. Many of the Elders I spoke to said that prayer and reading as well as faith is enough. The Spirit would help me along the way.
At the time, I believed they were wrong. I did everything they said. I fasted before talking to my mom, I prayed to have the Spirit with me, watched a few videos, talked to the Elders and I tried my hardest to have faith that she would be okay with it. One of the Elders and I even did scenarios to help me figure out how to react in each general situation. One would think that'd be enough, right? And I suppose in a way, it was.
A few hours after doing this, I told my mom we needed to talk. We both went outside and sat down. As I spoke to her, I did not feel the presence of the Spirit. It was not there and at that time, I truly felt on my own. After we talked, my mom denied my request to meet with the missionaries. Not only that, but she said I was not allowed to do anything Mormon related. This included reading The Book of Mormon, talking to the missionaries about religious matters, watching Mormon videos, etc. Of course, prayer and the Bible were still allowed because they are not unique to the Mormon faith.
The days following, I was very irritated. There was not a day that went by that I did not just sit down and cry out of frustration. I knew I was losing faith and it was so hard to keep it. A few days after not reading and learning from the missionaries, I had felt something had changed. But I wasn't sure what. A few weeks went by and I lost the feeling of the presence of the Holy Ghost. It scared me and I had never felt so lost in my entire life. Yes, I could pray, but I never felt the reassurance that my prayers were being answered at all. I constantly asked for my parents' hearts to be softened, but it didn't seem to work.
Many weeks went by and I was still unable to do anything but read the Bible and pray. But I didn't read. And I doubt my prayers were as sincere as they could've been. About two weeks ago, my friend died. His death changed everything. I was absolutely irritated that I lost another person who was close to me. I was wondering how could God possibly have taken my grandfather away at Christmas and then my friend away from me as well. I wondered how He could've possibly allowed this to happen. And not just them. I lost my friends when my grandpa died. So between all of that, everything was a challenge.
The day after my friend died, I decided to only go to half a day of classes out of pure grief. I went to a chapel near my house and just sat there. I expressed my feelings to God and asked Him for some scripture that could help bring comfort to me at this time. I received the impression that I needed to read the gospel according to Luke. I read a few chapters and then left feeling much better.
I continued this for about a week. Reading in the morning for a half hour and then the afternoon for another hour. And it helped a ton.
Then I stopped reading. I'm not sure what exactly happened. But I lost my love to read. This occurred after meeting with a pastor from my church to discuss my interest in the Mormon church.
The night before my birthday, so this past Wednesday, I asked my mom if I could start meeting with the missionaries again. Part of the agreement the pastor and I made was that I would continue exploring both churches for a year, until I am 18. I told my mom the only way I could do this is by meeting with the missionaries as well as the pastor to get everything from both sides. In the end, she agreed. She wasn't happy about it, but she said yes and right now, that's all that matters.
This was such a huge change in my life. I spent my birthday happier than I've ever been. Overjoyed that I could continue in faith to search and learn more about our Heavenly Father. If He can do this for me, He can do absolutely anything for you.
(Feel free to comment! I would love any feedback I can get! :) )
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